Yes, i'm more depressed now than i was last time.
I went out last night with the old crowd from school and some other random people and to be honest - i kinda regret it and really don't.
i still love her completely, i still miss her completely and i still want nobody but her. But then again, we had problems when we were together so where does that leave me? eternal unhappyness! Great!
I have so many confusing feelings and so much i want to say, and get off my chest. Get off my chest? I now know what that means now, it's stuff that is so important to you that you feel like your chest is tighter and you want to get whatever it is that is causing this out. Maybe that's what it means anyway. Maybe i'm getting it confused with other terms which i would have once refered to as just silly; heart-ache/broken heart?
Anyway, i don't have the words to explain it all so i am going to stop trying.
I can't even be bothered to try and find a relevent or suitable picture.
Merry Christmas? Was it? For you? Who knows...? (Bah Humbug)
Well I don't particularly like Christmas however, I do like the time with the family and my good ol' friend ‘the belly’ does enjoy the food I provide it at this time of year. I was out Christmas Eve with my brother, Ade, Luke, James, (Sarah) James's Sister, James's Girly and Sam.
I met a random pretty 19 year old girl at the bar (Emma, she went to Llanishen though was too young for me to remember) and although I was "the funniest random person at a bar she's spoken too" (what a compliment?) we went our separate ways without any further flirting or talk. Why do I mention this? Well, there are a number of reasons. 1) This doesn't happen to me often - I’m not the most attractive lad in the world, I know this and I’m ok with it! And number 2) it helped me realise what was so bad about Christmas.
For a number of years, I’ve not really enjoyed Christmas. I don't like shopping and I don't like the people that go over the top. However, Sarah had brought a little happiness into my life around the holiday period with her excitement and enthusiasm. This year I am not with Sarah, and don't feel like I want to celebrate religion (I'm agnostic) nor do I want to suck the commercial cock, especially when I have little money.
I'm not getting to a point am I? Well, no, and I don't care, it's my blog - get your own!
Anyway, What I have enjoyed is the family time and generally doing nothing (though I should really be putting right the coursework that I have got so wrong in the first semester of uni this year - what a fool!)
Anyway, I digressed, what I wanted to say is thank you to Louise and my mother for all the help with the presents. I wanted to say I hope you all had a good time with your families and I wanted to say it was nice to see Sarah and speak to her when we haven't talked in so long. I miss you. I love you. And I’m sorry.
What did I get?
Money, food, smelly stuff, travel sets and other random things such as drink holders and a toy mixing deck thing. I have no favourite but the 24 cans of baked beans from Nigel and Nic was a perfect gift for any student.
Thank you to everyone.
See you all soon.
Take Care.
Dear Blog.
This is my most honest post.
I feel like crying. I broke up with Sarah almost a year ago now, and we stayed friends a while but it was too painful so 3 weeks ago - we broke all contact. My heart, my chest, my head and my emotions have all now ganged up on me.
I feel miserable (listening to the cure again isn't helping!). I have just spoken to her on msn, and i think she has moved on, and i'm glad for her, but i know i haven't.
I really need to move on, find someone else and be happy again.
Ah well, the emotions are so powerful at the moment, it drove me to blog. i feel love, sad, anger, confusion and frustration.
I don't want to talk to anyone.
I don't want christmas.
I just don't want.
I have sat at my desk all day trying to work on coursework but i just can't seem to get anything done. What's worse is as the deadline draws nearer and nearer i am beginning to stress more and more and already feel like there is no way i am going to be able to get everything done - i've cut it too fine much like i did with the last coursework. In short, i'm buggering up uni and with it setting myself into miserable mood everyday.
i know all i should be doing is work however, i still sit here and blog. Why? Even every invite i'm getting at the moment i put off or turn down, i'm sick of hearing myself say "Yes, but after the 16th" and what difference is that going to make anyway? I'll still have loads of coursework to do, it'll just be different coursework!
Oh fuck, what am i doing with my life, it all seems to be falling apart and i'm back to panicing and getting quite depressed.
How good is life for someone after failing Uni?
I hope it's great, cos it's gonna be me!
Well, it's dynamic, it's what i'm listeing to, and i like it. so there!
Ah well, back to work now!
Bye!
