So last night Dean, Paul, a few of Dean's mates and myself went out - it had been far too long since I’d spent some time with the boys and we vary rarely go out 'clubbing'. Clubbing - what a crock - I’ve never been clubbing in my life!

Anyway, I wore the top hat (mainly for a laugh as I like people's reactions but the fact that I’d been wearing it while dancing around to the Kaiser Chiefs and The Bravery for a day or 2 meant I had to!)

As always it got a lot of attention and got me talking to random strangers in the pub where I was drinking Ale - a new experience for me as I used to drink larger on the rare occasions I went out. Anyway, from here It was into town where I split from the lads to meet up with Ash and watch The Automatic a live band featuring Penny and some crazy dancing, who is a friend of Ashley's in Barfly with Ash, Nikki, James and Ade (Is he UK-Gay-for-pay?) (Sorry if I got any of those wrong). Anyway, they had a good front man and I hear that they were signed straight after the gig, so well done to them.

Why hasn't my brother sorted out a band?! Jees!

From there, it was on to Creation Bar to meet back up with Paul, Dean and the like where I also saw Wendy (wow - what a beautiful girl she is!) out dancing and although I didn't stop and dance with her, I had a quick chat, offered her a drink (it's the polite thing to do) and then simply went on about my groove and a good night was had.

The shoulder is a lot better and I’ll be back in for an appointment on the 29th, and then looking at booking the next operation - I can't wait till I’m ok to play football, drums, swim and generally be normal (for me at least) again.

Anyway, Since the last post, all I’ve been doing is tidying, sorting, throwing out, and generally organising my life ready for moving house, finishing work and reclaiming my freedom on July the 4th, aptly named Independence Day and on the note of freedom, I give you yours back, you can now stop reading.

Thanks, Bye

I know I should be in bed already and so I’ll keep this one short and sweet.

I’ve just got back from watching Sin City at the UCI with Greg, Paul and Dean. The UCI is not the best cinema but the only one with a late enough showing.

Spent most of the day sorting stuff and getting rid of a lot of it, there is less than 20 days before I move house now, and I’ve got a lot of crap to sort through!

Anyway, while checking the contents of a load of CD's I was talking to my cousin Phil, and a girl called Emma who I only met on msn today - she was friendly enough although, I only really wanted to talk to pass the time and entertain me as I sorted things out here.

Anyway, time for bed for me thanks to another couple of weeks of getting up for work but alas, I will miss it - will talk to you tomorrow blog.

Night Night.

Well I’m just glad that the house hunting is coming to an end. We've looked at so many and obviously, Llanishen Street was the nicest although with a severe lack of parking it had to be ruled out. It's now down to just 2 houses and after a final viewing of one of them later today we will be ready to sign the contracts.

Throughout this process, I've discovered a few things. I'm in love with uPVC windows, Greg likes a plumbed in shower, Jen dislikes walking and salad and Joe is even more laid back than I thought.

Jen however, is very head strong and although headstrong people can be frustrating - mainly cos I don't get my way around them every time! :) I found it admirable that she would just say what needed to be said, it bodes well for a year of saying anything and everything so that not to cause any issues so long as people don't just start picking on the little things for the sake of it.

Wow, that paragraph sounded like rules but it's not intended as such, I’m just saying that is the way it has worked best in the past and it looks like Jen and Joe will be easy and fun to live with.

Anyway, I ramble on about nothing again, tonight I’m going next door to have a racklette with Patricia, Tom (her boyfriend), Greg, Paul, Dean and I think Liam? (Another neighbour)

Right… time to do some more work; Bye-bye.

So I'm sat at my desk and Ash and I some how made up an MSN game where you type in a random (girls) email and add it to your contacts. If you get a hit (someone who is added then it is the next persons go to add a name. So far, I’ve added 3 and Ash has added 2 and thus it is his go next and the winner is when you add someone who is online.

Neither of us has had an online person yet and so hasn’t talked to any random people yet but I know that when we do, I’ll be laughing harder than Ash, as he is adding really skanky porn stars names like 'juictlucy@hotmail.com'. Now I don't know who ‘juicylucy’ is but she has an adult rated profile (so we didn't proceed through the warning to look - although I suspect Ash will tonight!)

Anyway, this game does not mean I’m over the depression I’ve spoken about for the last couple of posts, or that I’m looking for a girlfriend (so you can stop your dialling/writing love letters now ladies - the fat boy is still not interested!)

Anyway, just thought I’d share the game I invented.

Hello again.

Feeling a lot brighter and happier today thankfully as I am not the depressed kind of person - it never stays with me for long. I think I was just having a couple of days of realisation as to how much I miss how things used to be. But what is the point in dwelling on that? None; I'm going to put it out of my head for a while now and carry on about my week and see how I am then.

What concerned me most of all is the response I had to that post, mainly from Greg. I think people read that I was depressed and completely forgot that I'm not a person on the edge. Instead, they (and I mean Greg mainly) suggested that I was properly on the edge and likely to do something stupid! Well, maybe the post was a little dramatic, and maybe it was out of the blue for people that haven't been living in my head for the last little while but still, I’m perfectly sane, I’m not a danger to myself or anyone else and I’m certainly not a schizophrenic but thank you for your concern.

Right, that out of the way, today I read Dale's blog and was once again disappointed, I will be putting some of it on the forum tomorrow to find out if it is just his view or everybody from Thursday night football's view (although I already know of some people who it's not) - thanks lads for your support. Is it just me or has competitiveness taken over?

Wonder if Matt/Lance is back tomorrow?

Houses?

Found 2 that are nice but we really need to book some more viewings or get on and sort the contracts. Oh what fun looking for a house is when you've only got 3 weeks left on the contract you've got on the one you are currently in!

Arm update: Still a pain, but the Dr said 4 weeks and we can start to look towards "Operation 2: Removing the pin!" which will be great cos I’m sure that the fleshy/muscle... well... FAT around my shoulder can start to fuse again then and once that has started so can football, swimming, mountain biking, weights, sit-ups and general exercise. I'm all excited just thinking about it.

Good night.

Oh dear, I'm still unbelievably depressed at the moment, and I’m a miserable sod to everyone around me because of it - I’m sorry if that includes you.

I don't know what to do about it or how to fix it, I’m generally not a depressed person, I’m usually pretty happy, and I’m afraid this is the first time I’ve really been down in as long as I can remember.

Anyway, hormones aside just for a minute - what have I been up to? Well, yesterday after work I went to my mothers after work to see them and try and cheer myself up - it worked thought it was temporary and now I’m back to where I was.

I've been really struggling to find things to do and trying to install Linux on a laptop with a knackered hard disk drive has also proven to difficult too - should I try the Virtual Machine approach that Paul suggested? Probably. Will I try it? Probably not, I’m so bored of trying to get this laptop working now that I am almost certain I will end up just giving it back to my brother to sell or throw out.

Spoke to my brother Nigel earlier for some help regarding electrical stuff and it was good to speak to him once the conversation went at a tangent to the electrical bit that I didn't really understand, how I wish I was intelligent but know that I’m not.

Also had a 2 message sms conversation with my sister Deb, which basically was about me asking her to take her TV back as I will be moving house soon and want to get as much sorted as early as I can. Aside from that, we talked about the house she is trying to sell and it turns out that if she's still not sold it in a year, I may get it. Doesn’t sound likely to me but then again you ever know? This organizing of stuff to be sorted, also led me to text Sarah about some of her old stuff to see if she wanted. I also text her again a little while ago to find out what she is doing tonight, I was thinking that maybe she would be as bored as me but I’m guessing that she's got plans and is off living them right now as she didn't respond.

What else?

Went to look at houses with Joe, Jen and Greg on Friday and there were 2 that stood out but I believe that we'll be looking some more this week - we need to get on with it now or we simply wont find anything!

I can't really be bothered posting any more - I need something to either take my mind off things or I need to go to sleep and with a lack of options I’ve decided to just go to sleep

Night.

Oh dear, you shouldn't post when you are tipsy and emotional.

Sorry.

Hello,

The last 2 posts were lyrics from 'The Cure' and yes Greg, I am a sad bastard for posting them, and there are far better things that I could post - why post them at all? Because there has been no better way to sum up my feelings - I feel sad, lonely, depressed and regretful - but I don't want to share anything on here.

Some of the lyrics were spot on, others were off, but the bottom line is, we did something that had to be done, and it was because I’m a loser, I'm sorry that I am in fact a loser for reasons I cannot talk about in any more detail on here.

There is so much I really want to say, but know that I can't so instead, I bid you all a pleasant evening.

Good night.

And another:-

I would say I'm sorry
If I thought that it would change your mind
But I know that this time
I've said too much
Been too unkind

I try to laugh about it
Cover it all up with lies
I try and
Laugh about it
Hiding the tears in my eyes
'cause boys don't cry
Boys don't cry

I would break down at your feet
And beg forgiveness
Plead with you
But I know that
It's too late
And now there's nothing I can do

So I try to laugh about it
Cover it all up with lies
I try to
laugh about it
Hiding the tears in my eyes
'cause boys don't cry

I would tell you
That I loved you
If I thought that you would stay
But I know that it's no use
That you've already
Gone away

Misjudged your limits
Pushed you too far
Took you for granted
I thought that you needed me more

Now I would do most anything
To get you back by my side
But I just
Keep on laughing
Hiding the tears in my eyes
'cause boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
Boys don't cry

The Cure - Boys Don't Cry

Well w0f hasn't done it in a while so I feel I should put out some lyrics!

"So we meet again!" and I offer my hand
All dry and English slow
And you look at me and I understand
Yeah it's a look I used to know
"Three long years... and your favourite man...
Is that any way to say hello?"
And you hold me... like you'll never let me go

"Oh c'mon and have a drink with me
Sit down and talk a while..."
"Oh I wish I could... and I will!
But now I just don't have the time..."
And over my shoulder as I walk away
I see you give that look goodbye...
I still see that look in your eye...

So dizzy Mr. Busy - Too much rush to talk to Billy
All the silly frilly things have to first get done
In a minute - sometime soon - maybe next time - make it June
Until later... doesn't always come

It's so hard to think "It ends sometime
And this could be the last
I should really hear you sing again
And I should really watch you dance"
Because it's hard to think
"I'll never get another chance
To hold you... to hold you... "

But chilly Mr. Dilly - Too much rush to talk to Billy
All the tizzy fizzy idiot things must get done
In a second - just hang on - all in good time - wont be long
Until later...

I should've stopped to think - I should've made the time
I could've had that drink - I could've talked a while
I would've done it right - I would've moved us on
But I didn't - now it's all too late
It's over... over
And you're gone..

I miss you I miss you I miss you
I miss you I miss you I miss you so much

But how many times can I walk away and wish "If only..."
But how many times can I talk this way and wish "If only..."
Keep on making the same mistake
Keep on aching the same heartbreak
I wish "If only..."

But "If only...."
Is a wish too late...

The Cure - Cut Here

However I'd rather not talk so deeply about my feelings, not yet.

Good night.